update: mental illness

Well, I'm still alive so at least there's that. It's bad. It's gotten so bad. Every time I have an anxiety attack or I fall into my depression, I have no other thought than that it would be so much better if I just died. I wouldn't have to fight anymore and I would feel nothing. This is terrifying to me because I do understand that my life will get better if only I reached out for help. I don't understand why I can't do that though. I am fully aware that "help" or at least someone to try to help me is out there, and all I have to do is ask for the help. This is as far as I can make myself write right now as I am seriously neglecting doing my school work. Hopefully I can get back to this soon and I can vent a little bit.


I've fallen into another pit. I for some reason put all of my self-hatred into the thought that I would be happier if my body was more attractive aka skinnier. I started restricting my calorie intake severely. I lost 7 pounds so fast in the first few weeks. My hip bones and ribs started to stick out like they did when I was in high school. I know I could've achieved a nicer physique just by working out and eating better, but this proved to be such a quick fix that I can't seem to let go of now. I am currently bloated. I know I'm only bloated because there's no way I gained all the weight back on when I have been eating less and less. I guess a part of me is kind of hoping that I'll just waste away. Maybe one day I won't have to eat anymore. I can't eat. Calories have become my #1 enemy. I talk to people sometimes, but I never really release everything. I can't. I'm fucking annoying and over-dramatic. No one wants to hear my stupid thoughts and see my emotional brokenness. I kinda just want to fade out of every life I'm in. People would be better off without me and that I truly believe.

my depression

I know no one reads my blog anyway lol so I guess writing this is going to just be a kind of therapy for me. When I started blogging, I had the intention of posting the photos I take along with some kind of writing to talk about it. I only got into 3 posts. I am currently a student at CAL and I am dealing (more like failing miserably to deal) with severe depression. I have no interest in anything anymore. I only feel better when I am taking photographs. It means so much to me that art can be there, but it is such a restricted part of my life. I don't think one or two hours of taking photographs a week is going to be enough to save me.

I can't remember falling into this pit. I don't remember the point where it all hit me and I became this sad, numb, annoyingly antisocial person. It's weird to think back to high school and remember when I was hopeful towards my future. Now I struggle with my fear of it all ending and my strong desire for it all to end. I remember people telling me that college was going to be the best four years of my life. And when people ask me how I'm doing I have to tell them that I'm good and that school is going great. No one wants to hear the truth. No one wants to hear that the person I once was, the amazing person I was becoming, is wasting away. I definitely cannot see myself being happy ever again. At the same time I want to scream it to everybody that I am dying. What can anyone else really do for me, other than feel burdened by my own mental health problems. It is unfair for me to put what I feel on anyone else. That's part of the reason why it would just be easier for everyone if I just disappeared. I shouldn't let anyone depend on me and I definitely shouldn't depend on anyone else.

I am having some serious issues, but for some reason I will not utilize the help that the school offers me. I honestly have no explanation for that. I want to love myself and my life and to make the most out of the time I have here on this earth. But I cannot make it that long. I am worried that whatever I do will not be enough and I will reject the advice/help that a therapist would try to give me. The other day on campus, I imagined what it would be like to jump off of a building. I imagined the pain, of hitting the ground, but I got excited at the fact that I wouldn't have to deal with the shit that I face every day. My life is far from awful. I have two parents who love my dearly and a few close friends that would be heartbroken without me around. I know they want to see me get better. I go to an amazingly prestigious university. I am grateful for everything in my life, I just have a mental problem. It isn't that I don't have enough or that I'm not satisfied with my life so far... it's more like... it's hard to explain. I am in so much emotional pain every day, and I feel selfish for feeling like this. No one deserves my depressed ass ruining their lives. I feel it would just be better for me to disappear. I am so used to being alone anyway. I can handle that. At least in that case, if I decided to do something drastic I wouldn't hurt as many people as I would if I made an effort to keep people in my lives.

It's really hard to see what I'm typing right now as I am currently bawling my eyes out, so I think I'm going to end this depressive rant here. I will update my blog as this progresses...

Friendly Hangs (and me being very annoying with my camera)

I originally wasn't going to take my camera to my friend's place last night, but I realized that I hadn't been taking photos anymore. I knew that I would need to have my camera attached at my hip if I was ever going to really get serious. So, I brought the camera along. These photos may not seem like much, but to me they capture some great memories for me and I think in that sense, they symbolize close friendship. These photos capture my friends and my relationships with them. The photos are silly because we are silly. The lack of any sort of decent lighting made it fun to play with darker settings, and I hate the way the dark photos turned out but you live and you learn and I won't be making them that dark ever again. The quality of these photos isn't supposed to look good they are not supposed to be professional. No one is supposed to look posed. I wanted to take photos of a moment where everyone was completely candid. They'd probably hate me for posting these, but these few people mean a lot to me and I want to document our time together.

Introductions

I'm Michelle. It took me a really long time to start my own blog. I think the inspiration for me came from looking through all of my photos on my camera. I take so many I never show them to anyone or get to talk about what each photo captures for me. Even if I gain 0 followers while blogging, it will still be relaxing to be able to post the photos I take and to relive the moments within them by blogging about them. Sorry if that last sentence didn't make any sense. I'm trying to get this thing up and running too quickly. Eager, I guess. Well, that being said, I guess this would be a good time to stop the boring typing without pictures and post my first few photos!
Cheers :)
-Michelle